i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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