So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
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I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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