we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
