Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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