I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
All the doctor said was why
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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