how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
