What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
