i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
