Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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