so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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