just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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