Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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