Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Panties = found
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