Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
