THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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