so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
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I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
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This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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