So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
