it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
