I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
a search helicopter?!
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
