Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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