You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
