hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
