My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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