i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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