The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
