you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
