I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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