I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
