i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
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