She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
