apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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