Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
