So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
