a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
why is half of my head shaved?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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