i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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