You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
