she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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