I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
