Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
