Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
