He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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