i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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