There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
