My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
