ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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