Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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