So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
