So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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