When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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