I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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