oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
