i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
