How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
