I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
