I think im going to throw up on grandma
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
